I have had these thoughts since I started feeling depressed about two and a half years ago. Ones that make me feel like I don't want to keep living for the simple fact that I don't want to get any older.
Of course, I was like most other kids when I was younger. "Oh I can't wait to be an adult. Then I can do whatever I want and my parents won't be able to boss me around anymore. I can be my own person."
Now...all of that has happened. I'm no longer living under the tyranny of my parents. Instead, I'm living with my wonderful boyfriend who tells me every day that I can do whatever I want in life. I just don't really believe him. Or more like...I don't know if I -want- to do anything in life.
I try to think about jobs that would make me happy. I can think of some that I could tolerate. But I can't think of any that are worth living a long time on this horrible planet for.
And when I think about getting older, I keep having thoughts that I'm going to end up like my mother. Bitter and bitchy. My boyfriend brings up good points about that. She is 50 years old. She never went to college. She is now working at Wal-Mart as an assistant manager, and is married to a guy who sits around doing nothing all day, for the most part. They have nothing in common, and stay in separate rooms when they're not asleep. Usually they argue, and that's the only time they talk. She even goes on vacations without him, or anyone else.
My life is different. I will be getting a crap job soon, I'm sure. But...I can do better than that as time goes on. I will -not- be like my mother. I refuse to be. If I wanted to be like her, I would've married the last guy I dated when he wanted to propose to me. We would've ended up just like my parents. He would be throwing and breaking things when he's mad. I'd be locking myself in a room to get away from his immaturity.
But see? I didn't. I left his ass and I never looked back. I now have someone who is mature at the right times, and immature at the right times. He understands me and loves me for who I am. We can talk about anything and do anything together, because we have a lot of things in common. We never yell and I can never stay mad at him for very long because he'll just make a funny face and I'll end up giggling. It's no fair, but it's a good thing.
So, what's my problem? Am I so pessimistic that I even find the bad things in this time of my life? I thought I was going to end up living with my parents forever because of how pathetic I am. But I didn't. But I haven't settled for some random guy just because I wanted to leave them, either. He is my best friend and I love him. I just don't get why I can't be happier about it. I don't get why I can't be thankful for what I have and not have all these negative thoughts.
I guess all I can do is...do better every day. Take care of myself. Think more about the good things in life. Live in the moment, instead of worrying so much about the future. If I do that, maybe I'll make it.