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Jun. 23rd, 2010

Onoes wolfie.

Writer's Block: Fight or flight

Have you ever struck someone in a fit of anger or self-defense? If so, did you live to regret it?

The only person I've ever really hit was my brother. We'd get into fights all the time. And yes, I lived, but not without scratch-marks.
Shiznat

(no subject)

Its been a while since I've posted an entry in my journal. Haven't really needed to. I've been doing better. I am now taking medications and they're helping control my depression. I still do get depressed at times, and that's what I'll be typing about here.

For the first thing, since I don't have a job and have been unable to get one, I am usually at home all day, every day, unless Matt and I go out and shop and things. This is because I can't drive, and there's not much within walking distance. I don't know what I can do to remedy this. I am planning on going to school next fall or spring, but that's still going to be a while. I'm afraid I'll go crazy from being cooped inside before then.

I also seem to be picking up more on the flaws in people. I seem to be very good at it, but its not something I -want- to be good at. I can find the nicest person, and find things annoying about them. I'm afraid I'm going to end up not wanting to talk to anyone about this. I don't want to end up being bitter and resentful like my mother is, and hateful, so I need to change this.

I get so depressed with how some people can be so careless and cruel. I think "Do I really want to live in a world, where everyone can be so inherently mean?" and I lose sight that there are still good people. I know most people pay more attention to negative things than positive, but I seem to enhance it further.

I just want to stop being so pessimistic, and find a way to get out of the house. Anyone have ideas?

Jan. 8th, 2010

Juri and Ruka.

Writer's Block: It's a Date

What's the best date you've ever been on? What about the worst?

My worst date was my first one with my ex-boyfriend (ew). My best was the first one with my current boyfriend of three years.

Jun. 16th, 2009

Creepy Anthy.

Writer's Block: Set the Scene

Empty parking garages, roadside motels, dark caves, dank basements, overgrown forests—what kind of setting makes you feel nervous?
All of those and more. I'm even nervous when I'm at home alone.

Jun. 3rd, 2009

Creepy Anthy.

(no subject)

This is just gonna be another one of those posts where I need to vent so maybe I can sleep easier.

I have had these thoughts since I started feeling depressed about two and a half years ago. Ones that make me feel like I don't want to keep living for the simple fact that I don't want to get any older.

Of course, I was like most other kids when I was younger. "Oh I can't wait to be an adult. Then I can do whatever I want and my parents won't be able to boss me around anymore. I can be my own person."

Now...all of that has happened. I'm no longer living under the tyranny of my parents. Instead, I'm living with my wonderful boyfriend who tells me every day that I can do whatever I want in life. I just don't really believe him. Or more like...I don't know if I -want- to do anything in life.

I try to think about jobs that would make me happy. I can think of some that I could tolerate. But I can't think of any that are worth living a long time on this horrible planet for.

And when I think about getting older, I keep having thoughts that I'm going to end up like my mother. Bitter and bitchy. My boyfriend brings up good points about that. She is 50 years old. She never went to college. She is now working at Wal-Mart as an assistant manager, and is married to a guy who sits around doing nothing all day, for the most part. They have nothing in common, and stay in separate rooms when they're not asleep. Usually they argue, and that's the only time they talk. She even goes on vacations without him, or anyone else.

My life is different. I will be getting a crap job soon, I'm sure. But...I can do better than that as time goes on. I will -not- be like my mother. I refuse to be. If I wanted to be like her, I would've married the last guy I dated when he wanted to propose to me. We would've ended up just like my parents. He would be throwing and breaking things when he's mad. I'd be locking myself in a room to get away from his immaturity.

But see? I didn't. I left his ass and I never looked back. I now have someone who is mature at the right times, and immature at the right times. He understands me and loves me for who I am. We can talk about anything and do anything together, because we have a lot of things in common. We never yell and I can never stay mad at him for very long because he'll just make a funny face and I'll end up giggling. It's no fair, but it's a good thing.

So, what's my problem? Am I so pessimistic that I even find the bad things in this time of my life? I thought I was going to end up living with my parents forever because of how pathetic I am. But I didn't. But I haven't settled for some random guy just because I wanted to leave them, either. He is my best friend and I love him. I just don't get why I can't be happier about it. I don't get why I can't be thankful for what I have and not have all these negative thoughts.

I guess all I can do is...do better every day. Take care of myself. Think more about the good things in life. Live in the moment, instead of worrying so much about the future. If I do that, maybe I'll make it.

May. 26th, 2009

Creepy Anthy.

Writer's Block: Places to Lay Your Head

How many different places (cities, houses, apartments, dorm rooms, etc.) have you lived in? Which is your favorite? And your least favorite?
I'm only putting down the ones I remember (or was told of)

1. I believe this one was in Rockwall, TX. It was a parsonage (the house a preacher and his family lives in). I was technically not born yet, but still. And oh yeah. My parents and older brothers were kicked out. Long story.

2. Big blue house in Nevada, TX. I was around three or four when we moved from it, so I can just barely remember...

3. White house in Trout, LA. This was also a parsonage, but my dad wasn't preaching in this church. The preacher just lived somewhere else. It is now torn down. We moved from it when I was around 7.

4. Brick house parsonage in Nebo, LA. My dad -was- the preacher at this church.

5. My grandma's house, also in Nebo, LA. We moved here after my granpa died and my dad left the church he had previously been preaching at.  We lived there for around 3 years, I think.

6. Trailer in San Rafael, NM. We lived here for about three years as well, after my dad got a church nearby. Left after the second church he preached at and started got to 'stressful' for him.

7. Two story house in Brookhaven, MS. Didn't live there for very long. Maybe about a year. I got my first job at Sonic while living there, which sucked.

8. Small house in Holloway, LA. It was okay. Was living here when Katrina hit. Put the power out for a few days. And the kids next door were kinda annoying.

9. Blue house near Natchitoches, LA. Met my first 'real' boyfriend while living here. What an ass. But also met my current boyfriend, as well. Yay.

10. Old white house in Jena, LA. Didn't really spend that much time there. Got fed up and moved out to be with my boyfriend.

11. Current house. It's small...kinda crappy. But it has to be my favorite, because of the person who lives inside it with me. And the kitty, too.



May. 8th, 2009

Creepy Anthy.

Lawl.

Katy [adjective] --
Banshee-like

May. 5th, 2009

Creepy Anthy.

Writer's Block: Meant to Be?

Do you believe in fate? Why or why not?
I don't really think our whole life is predetermined. I believe, for the most part, we make our own fate with the decisions we and other people make in our lives. I think God may have a hand in making us decide on more specific things, but other than that...we have free will. We make our life what it is.

May. 4th, 2009

Creepy Anthy.

(no subject)

1. How Old Will you be in 12 Months?
21.

2. Do you think you'll be married by then?
Probably not. A lot has to be done first.

3. What do you look forward to most in the next 3 months?
Don't really have anything planned. But I hope to have a job sometime soon.

4. Do you prefer shoes, socks, or bare feet?
Shoes.

5. Are you a social person?
With people I know, yes. I get anxious around people I don't know.

6. What was the last thing you ate?
Hamburger Helper.

7. What is your favorite color(s)?
Black, hot pink, blue.

8. What are you doing for your next birthday?
Dunno.

9. What is your favorite TV show?
Dunno.

10. What kind of jelly do you like on your PB & J sandwich?
Grape.

11. Do you like coffee?
I only like the frozen kind.

12. How many glasses of water a day do you drink on average?
Not enough.

13. What are you listening to?
My boyfriend playing WoW.

14. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed?
The left. But that's probably changing soon.

15. Do you know how to play poker?
Nope.

16. What are you thinking about?
This quiz.

17. Any plans for this weekend?
Probably going to see a movie with my boyfriend.

18. Do you eat out or at home more often?
At home.

19. Have you ever been in an ambulance?
Nope.

20. Do you prefer an ocean or pool?
Pool.

21. Can you drive a stick shift?
Can't drive at all yet.

22. What is your favorite thing to spend money on?
Dunno. Clothes. Food.

23. Do you wear any jewelry 24/7?
Nope.

24. Do you speak any other language?
Nope.

25. Who is the funniest person you know?
My boyfriend.

26. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
Matt can be a big teddy bear at times.

27. What is the main ring tone on your phone?
I don't have a cell phone yet.

28. What is the color of your bedroom walls?
White with pink and blue stripe thingies.

29. Do you shut off the water while you brush your teeth?
Yep.

30. Do you wish someone was with you right now?
Yep.

31. Do you miss someone?
Yep.

32. Do you talk to the person who posted this before?
Yep.

ARE YOU:
1. Obsessed with sex?
Not really.

2. Are you tall?
Not really.

4. In your pajamas?
Nope.

5. Left handed?
Nope.

LAST:
1. Last person you saw:
Matt.

2. Last person you hugged:
Matt.

3. Talked to on the phone:
Matt's friend Eric.

4. Person to IM you:
Matt.

5. Was today better than yesterday?
Nope.

QUESTIONS & ANSWERS:
Q: What was the first thing you did this morning?
A: Don't remember.

Q: Do you have anything bothering you?
A: I just about always do. Anxiety does that to a person.

Q: What's the last movie you watched in theaters and who'd you watch it with?
A: I Love You, Man. Matt.

Q: Where is the last place you went?:
A: Matt's mom's house.

Q: Do you smile a lot?
A: Not really.

Q: Do you wish upon stars?:
A: Nope.

Q: Where did you sleep last night?:
A: The bed.

Q: Why did you sleep there?:
A: It's where I sleep.

Q: When was the last time you cried?:
A: A couple hours ago.

Q: What are you about to do?:
A: Post this on my journal.

Q: What do you hear right now?
A: Boyfriend coughing.

Q: What's your favorite month?:
A: Dunno.

Q: How many kids do you want/have?:
A: Not sure if I'm having any.

Apr. 13th, 2009

Spike's ass.

(no subject)

I had a weird, but somewhat fun dream last night. Some of it I can't remember, but here it goes anyway:

First I saw Joxer (the goofy guy friend who is in love with Gabrielle on Xena). I remember him being in a tavern. He was mad at me, apparently because I didn't care for him like he cared for me. So, I left.

Next thing I remember was being in some kind of hallway where Angel (from...Angel) came up and hugged me and started kissing me. I remember thinking he kissed very weird, but I went on with it anyway. We moved down the hallway and ended up in a bedroom where we both fell on the bed. He stopped kissing me, though, and we ended up lying across the bed, head by head. He said having sex with me would be worth it and he was -sure- it wouldn't turn him into Angelus. I kept asking if I really made him happy, but he wouldn't answer me.

Then, we were in the hallway again. Someone knocked on the door, and Angel answered it. It was Wesley, dressed all in black and narrowing his eyes menacingly. He wanted to attack Angel, I think, so I ran over. But then he poured some kind of liquid all over me, which made me scream in intense pain. (For some reason, that made me think I was a witch. But Idunno.)

And yeah. I don't remember if anything happened after that...

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